Looking back on life is always a blessing, especially when you keep a record. Upon recent stresses and inconveniences in my life, I resorted to reading old journal blogs and looking through my extensive collection of pictures. It took me back to a time of great happiness, but also regret and remorse. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life to good people and also have had the unfortunate but all too common experience of losing friendships at my own expense. Broken love and broken friendship is a war we all survive. As a result of my flashback experiences, I have decided to rekindle my typing abilities to reunite with livejournal. It’s nice knowing what I felt and thought in the past. It is because of this I choose to devote myself to writing about my life and it’s stages more frequently.

It’s been three months since Dustin and I got into our argument and it has been very difficult. To not understand the why is the most difficult part. It makes my brain fatigued as my thoughts race to comprehend why he did this to me. I forgive him but I cannot forget.

Just today I sat lying n my bed half imagining where I would be and what I would be doing if we were still friends. The other half of me was trying to absorb the reality that what he did is unprecedented and wrong.

I finally stopped feeling guilty and longing for friendship. Today I comprehended in totality that what he did was wrong, what he did was undeserved, and that I do not need him. I wrote a letter to the Dean and the counselor expressing a full and honest statement about how this situation has affected me, what I think of how it was handled, and how I think it should have been handled. It felt good and was much needed. I have decided that I have apologized enough for doing not much of anything and will not settle for being pushed around anymore.

On brighter notes, I have a new friend, and I am trying to name him. He’s this stray that agreed to trust me and it looked very difficult. Any name suggestions?

I am quite uncertain of the topic I am writing on today. The only thing I know is that I want to blog. Everyday that I live remains quite an odd collaboration of happiness with tragedy, and a journey in finding out how to cope with both stress and persecution, while remaining true to who you are.

After a long and drawn out time of quarreling, Bridgewater College made me an offer today. They told me that I could indeed return back to Bridgewater in the Fall, so long as I undergo a psychological assessment by Laura Goolsy in Harrisonburg. I also have to give Dr. Goolsy permission to speak both with the Dean of Student Affairs and the counselor who spoke with me first. The ability to go back to college and finish a life’s striving of work is tempting, yet something holds me back.

I do not feel that I can trust the administration or counselors in general. It seems like they have a close net with each other in which they trust each other’s own assessment without giving fresh eyes on a situation. I fear that in signing a release for them to speak with Marty, the counselor who first spoke with me, I could be placing my life and future in grave danger.

This is not because I have told her any deep dark secrets of my life, but rather, her interoperation of who I am and what really happened varies significantly from reality and truth. Before I even spoke to the woman, she had determined that the accusations made about me were true. She gave me no opportunity to clarify what happened. She is single-minded and very biased, smart, but limited. As a close friend said, "You walk into her office and you have a problem in her eyes, regardless of whether you do or not".

I wonder what is the best solution here. She already tried, the counselor, to twist my words and get me deemed mentally ill at Rockingham Memorial Hospital, but failed. And after many emails and personal talks, both the Dean and Counselor have not given me a clear reason as to why I have to do this, just saying I’m working on an email. An email, I should note, that has not arrived many weeks later. Nothing is clear with these people and I worry about their intentions.

And if I am able to return to college in the Fall, is it wise? Is it worth it? I cannot answer such things clearly. I know life isn’t fair, but I refuse to settle for something less than great. I don’t think what happened to me was either fair or just, and I would feel an ultimate slave if I gave into them, submitted and let me be oppressed for a career. I’d be a sharecropper. I’d bargain my safety, my dignity, and my freedom in order to get a degree.

The worse part is that it is always my fault, I am ruining his life and now I have to be controlled and dealt with. It isn’t fair that he should not be able to experience wonderful college years because I’m causing him harassment and stress. This is their mentality I believe, but they have closed their eyes to the things they hold dear as an institution. The ability to think freely, analyze and synthesize, and challenge perspectives. I am disappointed in this college and would not recommend it to any prospective student.

The best friend I have ever knew has cordially stabbed me in the back with a wound that seems to get deeper and deeper with time. It is an infectious disease of hatred and betrayal that had spread into every corner of my life from my religion to work to school. I wonder often whether he even cares about me, because I know he once did. I wonder if spends nights awake as I have, thinking about this situation. One lie can change your life forever, just when you begin to settle into it so comfortably.

Where am I to go? What am I to do? I have so many questions pounding through my head, so many decisions to make, and all of them have to be made carefully and wisely. They say time heals everything and yet, I stand here waiting. . .